By Todd Lancaster
I think at some point in your life you give up dreams of actually earning fame and fortune.
Now I’m not talking about a nice 401(k), buying an RV or a timeshare condo on the gulf kind of fortune, but more along the lines of having supermodels lined up in the driveway, or Ferraris parked in the pool kind of fortune.
At some point, I know words like Medicare and annuity have to replace the dreams of platinum albums or Heisman trophies, once you understand that your talent will never actually take you anywhere but where you are.
So that’s where the lottery comes into play. Everyone has lottery dreams, so I think you should at least be prepared to win it.
I think there is a big difference between winning life-altering money and life-changing money. The Washington Knights of Columbus has a treasure hunt that has created a lot of attention and winning it is certainly life-altering money. With that payday, you can pay off some bills, buy a Harley, get a new kitchen and take the wife to Europe. That’s $2 million and it’s nothing to sneeze at. However, what I’m shooting for is the recent billion-dollar Mega Millions or Powerball-type jackpots. That is truly buy-a-fleet-of-military-drones-and-attack-the-neighboring-county kind of game-changing rich.
The truth is, outside of my drone fleet, I don’t know quite what I would do with that kind of money. I will say that right from the start, I doubt I would donate much of it for the simple reason that I don’t like a lot of people, and I’m sure I would like them less when they were constantly asking me for my hard-earned lottery money.
I am enough of a realist to know I would spend a good portion of it getting even with people. Just know if you have crossed me in the past, there is a really good chance that all four of your neighbors’ lots are about to become industrial hog farms. If you sat one of my kids on the bench in Little League, I’m pretty sure that I will be opening a free-range tarantula ranch with split-rail fencing next to your abode.
If you have ever called me with a “helpful suggestion” for the sports page, hopefully the new outdoor amphitheater in your neighborhood, featuring a month-long Metallica festival won’t seem like too much of an imposition (not that I have given this any thought).
I realize that there are many people out there who believe that lottery winnings only bring problems — I believe that lottery winnings would bring crab legs. I have already decided I will be taking the lump sum and probably in cash. I have always dreamed of one of the Scrooge McDuck moments where I dive naked into a pool of $100 bills off my deck. Am I concerned about the money? Probably not. I think the first YouTube clip of my naked swan dive will keep most people away.
Well, that takes care of the fortune, but what about the fame? I am lucky enough to have already experienced quite a bit of that. Just last week at the gas station, I met with a couple of fans as I was getting some coffee and a doughnut. They told me they liked my writing, and then we talked about music and a few other things. I guess they were kind of like my groupies, except they were actually bearded 65-year-old retired men. Although I would have preferred sexy, bikini-clad models, at least I know there is no chance I wouldn’t have to worry about snorting any cocaine off those guys’ bellies somewhere between the unleaded pumps and doughnut rack.