By Todd Lancaster
I know our President has been working hard to bring jobs back to America, but could he please start with the branches of the government that have apparently been outsourced overseas?
You know, the IRS and Department of Grants.
I was shocked to find out that the Internal Revenue Service had been relocated to call centers in locations like New Delhi, India. I was also surprised to find out we had a Department of Grants, which is part of the “United States of Treasury” and is located in Karachi, Pakistan.
No wonder this country has such financial problems with all the trouble they have trying to collect revenue through iTunes gift cards AND being willing to accept less than five cents on the dollar to settle massive tax debts.
So how did this all come to my attention? Recently I had several calls from a nice gentleman named Henry Winston telling me that my taxes were past due and a warrant was already sworn active for my arrest.
I was stunned, because it wasn’t long ago the government must have erroneously sent me a refund. I was especially disappointed in my long-time CPA who somehow missed the $47,000 I owed when preparing my taxes this spring.
However, luckily for me, Mr. Winston explained that to avoid being arrested at 6:30 p.m. that same night, I could take care of it over the phone. He said the process was simple enough; just head over to Walmart and purchase $200 in iTunes gift cards. After I returned from Walmart with the cards, along with a new garden hose, a pair of Crocs (actually they were called Faux Croux and only cost $4) and 12-pack of Keystone Light, I was ready to call him back and take care of the fiscal responsibilities of citizenship.
Mr. Winston seemed glad I called back because he kept saying ,“Tank you, tank you,” but it was hard to understand him because of his thick accent. I asked where he was calling from and he told me Coon Rapids, Minnesota. I said, what a great coincidence, because I had a friend named Doug from Coon Rapids and he coached youth hockey. He said he didn’t know Doug, but more surprisingly — he didn’t know anything about hockey. Can you imagine someone from Minnesota who didn’t know anything about hockey?
We struggled for about 10 minutes trying to get the numbers right, but for some reason or another (most likely due to the multitude of Keystone Light I was drinking to steady my nerves over my impending incarceration), I kept turning the numbers around. I must have upset Mr. Winston, because he handed me off to Mr. Benson. He, too, must have been from Coon Rapids, because he had the exact same accent, although he didn’t know Doug — or want to talk about hockey either.
After a while, Mr. Benson got upset as well and told me the sheriff would be arriving shortly to arrest me AND proceeded to call me several names in a language that must only be native to areas just north of the twin cities.
I finished off the rest of the Keystone Light and waited for the sheriff. I knew he would be disappointed in me, because he had put one of his signs in my neighbor’s yard during the election (and that was the part of the yard with a disputed boundary that sometimes does get cut, but I still felt like his sign was my sign too).
However, 6:30 came and went, and the sheriff never showed.
So I called back to the “IRS” and much to my surprise, the Department of Grants answered. I told them about the taxes, the sheriff, the iTunes cards and my friend the hockey coach, and they said that I was lucky to have called, because the Department of Grants would actually GIVE me money.
He (who must have been from Minnesota as well because he had the exact same way of saying “tank you”) told me I only had to pay a $250 fee to get my $8,000 of free money. I thought this was a heck of a deal and thought I might pass this number on to the Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me about his money problems.
Once again, I was told that iTunes cards were the preferred form of currency, but Buffalo Wild Wings or Starbucks would work too, and all I had to do was go to the Walmart and buy the gift cards and …